Day 9: Daniel

Dedicated to: Daniel Holland

Yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook, looking for validation or some proof that I was liked.

And then I saw the words,

RIP Daniel Holland

And at first all I thought was ‘what?’ So I clicked on your timeline and read all the tributes and felt sad for all the people who knew and loved you more, and more recently, than I did.

Then I remembered that time we argued. Now that I’m 31, not 19, I think it was wrong of me to judge your actions based on my own experiences, not yours.

Somehow, though I’ve only thought of you when you were tagged in a photo this past eight years, now all I want is to go for a drink with you. If only so I’d remember you better, but also because you gave the most fantastic hugs. And probably because I’m a bit selfish.

I loved that time you stayed over and wanted to share a bed, just to not be alone and thinking. Because I understood that. And I don’t remember if we drank that night, but I know I cooked you fish fingers and we watched Mean Girls and you played with my hair.

The weird thing is, I remember your presence more clearly than anything you ever said or did. I remember you could be impulsive and that you were sad sometimes. You were wise and kind always so gentle.

And while in life you were an old friend who I didn’t see anymore, right now you are my constant imaginary friend. When I feel alone I shall talk to you and pretend you’re in the room.

Because we all need some gentleness.


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