Day 14: Bella's Fine

Content warning: bullying, assault, graphic

Bella sits on the toilet, sweaty from the hot day. She loosens her school tie, attempts to wet her dry mouth with saliva and places her head against the cold bathroom tiles. She has a lot to do tonight: 

·         history homework, which she loves and will probably end up taking too long over; 

·         three chapters to read for English (easy); 

·         maths; she is tempted to rush through this so she can watch The Bill with her dad, but knows if she does she’ll get half the answers wrong and a stern ‘could do better’ comment. Bella wishes she didn’t care; 

·         biology…

Just the word ‘biology’ makes her shudder involuntarily and her skin prickle. She used to like biology, but now…

‘Bella…’

It’s Ivy, her sister, calling her down for dinner. She doesn’t want to stand up and leave the cool solitude of the bathroom, but she stands up slowly nonetheless, turns and flushes the toilet. And then it begins. 

Loner, dirty, weirdo.

She tries so hard not to hear these words, but they’re the shadow of all her thoughts and sometimes they force their way to the front. She shakes her head, she won’t have them in her mind when she’s with Ivy, otherwise she won’t be able to look at her. Later, in bed, she’ll let herself mull over them and their implications.

‘Bella…’

‘Coming.’

She’s washing her hands when the pounding starts. Within seconds, hot poison is coursing around her system. She grips the sink to steady herself and swallows some bile. This has been happening all week and she knows what’s causing it: shame. Because last week, something so bad happened that all her attempts to be acceptable and fine and a safe person are futile. She just wants to be normal but it feels like nothing will ever be the same again. For the last week she hasn’t even prayed to be normal, because it’s hopeless. 

She was in her Biology lesson, head down, answering questions about human anatomy. It was easy enough, all she had to do was find the answers in the textbook. Human anatomy though, was her least favourite part of biology. She couldn’t help questioning, with every fact and diagram of the standard human (especially women) if that was what she actually looks like inside. She was, after all, frequently being told she was a freak.

‘Hey, Izzabender!’

The voice came from Lee Wilson, who sat, alphabetically, in the back row with her. She kept scanning the text book, sweat forming on her neck as she forgot what she was looking for. 

‘Izzabender! Weirdo.’

She looked up, hoping Mr. Stephens had noticed, but he was at the front helping Tina. Tina always got all the attention, because she was dyslexic. Bella had even considered faking bad grades, so the teachers spent more time with her and at least in class, other kids would be off her back. She hated Tina; she was made to sit with her and help her in history and geography, which just meant Tina copied all her answers, but then joined forces with the others in the school yard. Stupid, thick bitch thought Bella. Then she immediately felt like a bad person and made a silent internal apology.

Lee and his friend Simon had started singing her their favourite song, to the tune of Wizardora.

‘Izzabender, we all hate her

Living in her freak world full of spazz

Til her shitty freak life ends’

It was an awful song. She could have written a better one herself and sang it in tune. When she’d told this to the school counsellor she’d seen once, he suggested she do this by way of sticking up for herself. Then he sent a letter to her parents, saying she was experiencing slight problems fitting in and had some esteem issues, which was completely normal at her age. Her parents took her out for pizza as a treat, the counsellor left the school and it was never mentioned again.

‘Let’s do an anantomy experiment’ said Lee, coming up behind her.

‘It’s anatomy’ she said wearily, looking desperately towards Mr. Stephens, who was now in conversation with Tina’s classroom assistant. 

‘Whatever freak.’

She looked him in the eye, another thing which was always advised but never helped, like not putting your hair in a ponytail so people couldn’t grab it. She tried to think of something quick to say, but she never could. He stood up and walked behind her. She turned on her stool.

‘What are you doing?’

He smiled, ‘experimenting… Simon, hold her still.’

Simon was a rugby player, one of the school’s rising stars. He was strong and quick. Within moments, he was behind her, his broad arms around her chest, using his weight to pin her to the chair. 

‘Yoink!’

He grabbed her breast, through her shirt. 

‘Bit small.’

He and Lee laughed. Mr Stephens seemed to have disappeared into the storage cupboard. Tina’s TA was wrapped up in Tina. A few other pupils in in the back two rows were watching though, out of the corners of their eyes. Some giggled, some looked slightly uncomfortable. None of them spoke.

‘Get off me!’ Bella said loudly, hoping someone would intervene. Tina’s TA turned around at last.

‘Quiet back there!’ 

Lee whispered in Bella’s ear, ‘nobody cares, Freak!’ 

She would not cry. 

‘Now, for our anantomy lesson, let’s find your arsehole.’

Bella was, by now, frozen. She couldn’t have fought if she wanted to, and she didn’t. Simon’s arms were still around her, hurting her. Lee picked up a pen and crouched down.

The science stools all had holes in the middle of the seats, to make them easy to pick up. The girls skirts had slits up the back and rode up when they sat. It was late May, Bella wasn’t wearing any tights.

For someone who couldn’t say the word ‘anatomy’ Lee was incredibly quick to find what he was looking for. He placed the tip of the biro through her butt cheeks, pushing and rotating it until Bella felt the fabric break. He popped his head above the bench and smiled at his audience. Bella held her breath. It would be over soon.

And it was, in one rough, violent shove. Bella bit her lip, but still squeaked in pain, a noise that Simon began to imitate repeatedly, until Lee had tears of laughter in his eyes. 

‘Well Freak,’ he spluttered, ‘the experiment was a success. You have an arsehole!’

There were giggles around the room. Only a couple of the others looked slightly guilty. Mr. Stephens walked back in, just in time for the bell to go. Lee pulled the pen out and Bella felt a trickle of blood. Lee and Simon returned to their seats. Lee sniffed the pen.

‘I think I’m gonna be sick! What do you eat, freak?’

 As the class packed away, Bella carefully wrote down the homework and put her books away slowly, to try and be the last to leave. The toilet was just next door and hopefully there’d be some sixth formers clearing the corridors, so Lee and Simon couldn’t wait long outside. Once alone, she allowed a tear to roll down her cheek.

For a week now, Bella has been reliving the moment the pen broke the material and caused so much pain with every spare moment of conscience, no matter how hard she tries to push it out with other things. She’s been up past midnight every school night as it takes her longer and longer to complete her homework, the memory ruining her concentration. Tomorrow she has biology again.

‘Bella!!!’

Bella is pulled back to the present by Ivy’s third, exasperated call. She splashes her face with cold water, dries her hands and goes to join her family for dinner. 

Words: 1316